a lot has been happening lately, but I can hardly recall the details - mostly because I stopped writing things down, stopped pausing long enough for self-reflection.
I’ve noticed my focus time in the office is nowhere near what it is in the Reading Room at Slow Cafe - or in almost any other place. I need long, quiet hours to slip into that “flow” state. sometimes I even skip lunch deliberately, working six to eight hours straight, taking a short pause then diving in again for two or three more.
the mornings are always full of meetings, and I tell myself that’s why I can’t focus. but maybe that’s just an excuse - maybe my attention span has simply grown shorter.
external things keep demanding my attention. sitting alone in a bar with a book - or simply watching people talk and pass by - is a quite kind of bliss. it reminds me of the word “wallflower”, which I encountered in The Perks of Being a Wallflower and again in Romancing Mister Bridgeton (haha). I read The Perks of Being a Wallflower when I was young. back then, I had my share of problem - lonely, withdrawal, awkward, too prod and too closed off to fit in with my university friends. sometimes I still feel a little regret about that but it’s fine. all those years shaped who I am now. The Perks of Being a Wallflower was also the first English book I ever completed - alongside The Art of Racing in the Rain. I think I turned to The Perks because I saw myself in that quite, uncertain boy who eventually found people to call his own. maybe I still carry that same longing - for a place, and a few souls, where I truly belong.
over a lifetime, you’ll meet many friends. if you’re lucky, some will be there from your naive beginnings, walking beside you through every turn, still standing with you as you grow older. I don’t think I have that kind of friend. maybe it’s on me - I never put in the effort to nurture such bond. you have to give time - and care - to build that kind of connection.