my old friend is visiting me again. it’s almost like having a partner in crime, except this one doesn’t physically exist. and honestly, I don’t find any joy in having them around. “Them,” because I don’t want to attach any biological trait to it.
I think there was a time when I could cry without the help of Kdrama (lol), but now I can’t. even when I listen to the music from one of the darkest periods of my life, nothing comes out. what kind of music do you listen to during your dark hours? for me, it’s the La La Land soundtrack. if you ever catch me humming one of those songs, it probably means I’m depressed.
and why La La Land? it was around late 2016, maybe early 2017. even writing about it still weighs heavily on me. I don’t want to write about it or talk about it. it’s been almost ten years now. and maybe — just maybe — I keep hoping that those were my dark years, and not this moment right now.
there are so many things I want to shift my focus toward instead: the monitoring work, my sake course, my Taiwan trip in the next three weeks.
what will we become in our 50s? will we survive long enough to get there? will we be happy, or just depressed in quieter ways? will we leave behind some kind of legacy? and what even is a legacy? anh Chau talks about it a lot. I think what he really means is having children. are you happy now? do you feel fulfilled?
I’m sad. the kind of sadness that should make someone cry, but somehow I still can’t — at least not without Kdrama helping me get there. I honestly can’t even remember the last time I cried that hard.
I think Saigon has been kind to me so far. but sadly, I haven’t been very kind to myself. all I seem to want is to destroy something, then rebuild it, then destroy it again.
what’s wrong with me?